


Maturity and Late Phone Calls

by halictus



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Domestic, Fluff, Gen, Hogwarts Professors, Humor, Husbands, One Shot, Phone Call, Professor Remus Lupin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-15
Updated: 2020-11-15
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:13:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,644
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27581854
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/halictus/pseuds/halictus
Summary: Professors Lupin and McGonagall are planning their next term at Hogwarts. Remus is feeling proud of his domestic and settled-down lifestyle with his husband Sirius, when the phone rings.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 18
Kudos: 182





	Maturity and Late Phone Calls

**Author's Note:**

> Come say hi on Tumblr! Here is a link: [@halictus-writer](https://halictus-writer.tumblr.com)

“More tea? It’s on my way; I’m going to refill the pretzels,” Remus announced as he stood from his chair in the living room. 

“Oh thanks dear, anything with caffeine would be perfect,” Minerva answered him. “You know, I love that you make tea the muggle way, my mother always did too, and I think it tastes better.”

Remus smiled. It was still a little weird to have the foreboding Professor McGonagall in his home. He had only recently started to call her by her first name, sometime during the most recent school year. It had been his first year as the Defense Against the Dark Arts professor, and he was (to his surprise, but not to Sirius’s) being asked back again. 

Upon returning to the living room, he deposited a plate of chocolate chip cookies. “I almost forgot, Sirius made these this morning. He told me I was supposed to give them to you, tell you that he made them, not me, and watch for your reaction. But be careful, they’re James’s mom’s recipe, so they’re a bit spicy.”

Minerva laughed as she picked up a cookie. “Please tell me the great Sirius Black wears an apron while he bakes cookies. Maybe over the leather jacket?” She paused to take a bite. “Oh, these are quite lovely. Give my compliments to the chef.”

“I will!” Remus grinned. “He’s sad to have missed you tonight, but I thought it would be for the best. We wouldn’t be able to get any planning done if he was here, begging for our attention.”

“A fine assessment, Professor Lupin.” She gave him a wry look. “Is he out on the town, causing trouble? Or has married life really mellowed him out, baking and all.”

Remus laughed heartily. “My husband is still Sirius Black,” he confessed, “but he’s definitely less chaotic than when he was your student. You should really come over for dinner sometime soon, Sirius has been cooking a lot recently, and I know he’s dying to see you.”

“That would be nice, dear. I’ll be glad to bear witness to his newfound maturity. Just send me the date.”

The pair continued to plan their upcoming school year well into the evening. Remus was used to working late, and it appeared that Minerva was too. Remus was secretly proud to have Minerva see the life that he had built with Sirius. They could properly host tea, Sirius could make cookies, they could finally chat comfortably with the one adult at Hogwarts whom they hadn’t liked to disappoint with their antics. Get the attention of, and amuse, sure, but never truly _disappoint._

At some point much later, the home telephone rang. It rang just once before being transferred to an automatic voicemail. The system was rather high tech, especially for his pureblood wizard husband, but Remus found it to be rather useful. The automatic transfer meant it wasn’t one of the friends in their recorded contacts, so it was probably just a telemarketer. It made a clicking noise once before whomever was attempting to leave a message began to talk, broadcasted through the speaker.

“Hi Remus, um, hmm. It’s me.” Sirius slurred through the phone. 

Remus froze, eyes wide.

“Yeah,” Sirius continued. “I’m at the police department, uh, the muggle police department, that is. They said I’m allowed to call one person, and I picked you! My husband.” 

Remus could practically hear Sirius’s smile through the phone. 

“Um, I love you! And I _know,_ okay, I _know_ what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, Sirius, oh ho doodily do, why did you get yourself arrested by the muggle police department, you’re such a fool!” Sirius apparently adopted the voice of a care-free housewife from the sixties to impersonate Remus.

“And here’s my response, here is my response to that, that thing that you were thinking, just now. Um, by the way I am a _little_ bit tipsy, but not a lot.” 

_I know,_ Remus thought. 

“Just a little. I was going to walk home but then I was totally going to be fine to, you know, with you. _At night.”_

Remus turned beet red, and glanced to the side. Minerva was still staring blankly at the wall, as if unsure of what to do.

Sirius giggled. “Hah, anyway, my, uh, my response to what you were thinking! I was doing the right thing. I was! I was _in the right._ Standing up for, for justice and all that. You know! Yeah, you know. But anyway. I’m fine, James healed my broken nose before the cops got there, but, yeah.”

 _Oh Merlin,_ Remus thought. 

“You should’ve seen it, it was awesome. Like a muggle movie. Remember muggle movie night? Why haven’t we done that in a while? We should. You work too hard, you know. No one would know if you took a break, like, from work. Your students, they can’t possibly be that smart to know if you were, like, working hard. Maybe Minnie would though.”

Remus groaned. This was going from bad to worse. Minerva was apparently still frozen.

“Ha. I love Minnie,” Sirius continued. “Do you think she remembers the time I called her ‘mom?’ Merlin, I hope not. Em-barr-a-ssing!” He sing-songed with a very off-key pitch. 

“But no, Remus, it was great. So this one guy, he was all, like, bald and ugly. You know the type. But he was, like, making comments about this gay couple. This couple was, okay, they were like, going at it. Like, I don’t know Remus, probably a few years younger than us, but they were _eating each other’s face._ Like at the bar. Totally going for it. And like, props to them, you know? But yeah.” 

Remus briefly debated going to the kitchen to pick up the phone, or to hang up, but felt too frozen by his horror at Minerva witnessing Sirius’s drunken monologue.

“He kept saying disgusting things, and so Lily told him to stop, and then he was like ‘no way, I can say what I want,’ and so Lily was like, ‘hey, let’s go sit by that couple to make sure they feel safe.’ I love Lily. She’s so cool, and like, kind.”

“Anyway. I was like, ‘no, I’m gonna talk to this guy,’ and James and Lily were like, ‘oh, I don’t know Sirius, he looks kind of tough,’ but I was literally wearing my leather jacket, so, you know.”

“Anyway. We exchanged words, but then he _pushed_ me. Okay, so he started it. He did. And he was a muggle, so like, I wasn’t going to hex him. So I punch him in the face. It was a good hit, Remus, you would have liked it. It was like, sexy, I don’t know.” 

Remus felt his blush deepen.

“Way better than the time Lily punched Snivellus. Like, my fist _made contact_ with his face. We start brawling, I’m winning, by the way, but we’re on the ground, going at it, one of his friends jumps in, but that guy, Lily just completely _kicked,_ in the nuts, like, so hard. That man isn’t going to have children. It just won’t be possible. Sucks for him. Lily is such a badass.” 

Remus wondered how long the voicemail would go. Maybe the call would drop, or the cops would tell Sirius his time was up.

“But anyway, apparently the muggle police came and rounded us up. James, _that fucker,_ my own _brother,_ Remus, abandoned me. He apparated with Lily, I think. So anyway, long story short, you should’ve been there, it was awesome. But also can you please come pick me up? Because they said I have to share a cell with those assholes I beat up, and I even asked if they had, like, a special cell, for gay people? With more decorations, or something? I was like, come on, you want me to share a room with those heteros? They smell. But they said no.” 

Remus covered his face with his hands.

“But also they said my bail is like three hundred pounds. Or maybe it was two hundred? I don’t know. I’ll pay you back though. Pretty please? I love you, like, so, so much. And if you pick me up, I’ll give you the biggest hug, or like, a kiss. I don’t know. It’s up to you, but I’ll be waiting. Okay bye.” He dragged out the last vowel. 

The machine clicked, signalling the end of the call. Remus ran his hands over his face and sighed. 

“Wow,” Remus finally said. “I’m so sorry you had to hear that. Um, yeah. I need to go, pick up my husband from jail, apparently, but maybe we can continue this work another day?”

Minerva stood, and her face finally unfroze. Surprisingly, she smiled. “It’s nice to know that some things never change.”

Remus’s eyebrows rose.

“Best of luck to you, tonight, Remus. I’ll keep an eye out for that dinner invitation.”

Remus blinked. “You still want to come to dinner?”

“Oh, but of course. It’ll be nice to spend time with my old student who called me mom once. I had almost forgotten about that,” she mused. 

Remus dumbly nodded.

“Oh, my dear, let me contribute to the relief effort. I’ve had this twenty pound note for ages, and I never shop anywhere muggle anymore. Take it, and be sure to let your husband know who sent it.” Minerva grinned. “And tell him I loved the cookies.”

Remus looked down in shock at the twenty pound note she had put into his hand, and dully watched her climb into their fireplace. “Goodbye?” he questioned.

“Bye now, have a good night.” Remus watched her vanish into a burst of green flames.

“Bloody hell, Sirius,” he muttered, as he grabbed his coat and stepped out into the cool night air. “That kiss better be worth it.”

**Author's Note:**

> Come say hi on Tumblr! Here is a link: [@halictus-writer](https://halictus-writer.tumblr.com)
> 
> A/N: I've thought about this a bit since posting, and I just want to say that I'm not trying to perpetuate stereotypes when Sirius asks for a special cell that has more decorations. I pictured this as more of him trying to get out of the situation he's in (jail) by appealing to any aspect he can, and when drunk, will totally try to reference his sexuality and even reference the stereotypes associated with his sexuality, for personal benefit, but he's still mostly joking. 
> 
> Thank you for reading!


End file.
